Ep.60/ Realities For Insecure Attachers in Relationships
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Generally speaking, relationships won’t feel easy breezy, even if we’re partnered with secure individuals. This is because we have been conditioned to view love as “unsafe” and, therefore, must make a conscious effort (sometimes daily) to challenge these engrained patterns.
This takes work!
We often experience doubts or worries about our relationship. Depending on our attachment style, we may worry if we are making the right choice, if we’re truly compatible, if there’s someone better suited for us, if other relationships are healthier or more “normal” than ours, or if our partner will reject or abandon us.
Our boundaries aren’t always the strongest, and, therefore, we can be easily influenced by what other relationships look like (👋🏽 social media) and by what others say or think about our relationship. These external factors can skew our perceptions and cause us to self-sabotage.
We can hold extremely high and unrealistic expectations for ourselves and others, adding to much of the dissatisfaction and dysfunction we experience in our relationships.
We may mistake normal relationship phases for severe problems or a reason to break up. Not understanding that as the relationship progresses, there will come different challenges.
The honeymoon phase will fizzle out, and we will naturally experience conflicts, insecurities, differences, and disagreements.
We may struggle with deciphering what is insecurity and what is intuition, not being able to identify if we are responding from fear or truth.
We may experience more days than usual of feeling disconnected from our partner. We may experience more anxiety, more moodiness, and more discontentment. And it’s not always necessarily a relationship problem as it is our personal experience we must navigate.
This is where understanding yourself, including mental or physical health factors that could be contributing to your experiences, is crucial.
We need a partner who is patient and supportive of us as we re-learn what it’s like to feel safe and secure in our relationships.
Linking up with other insecure attachers (who are not self-aware or actively working on their issues) can be highly triggering and hinder our growth. Therefore, selecting wisely is essential.
We must consistently show ourselves compassion and grace as we understand and work on shifting our distorted patterns—striving for progress and not perfection.
Even though all relationships go through ebbs and flows, those who are insecurely attached (anxious, dismissive-avoidant, and fearful-avoidant) and who may be learning to become more secure will indeed experience more challenges regarding love.
This is not to discourage you but to ease the shame or anxiety you may be experiencing, especially in the comparison culture we live in today.
No one person is the same, and therefore, no one relationship is the same. We all come with our unique experiences and personalities and have to approach relationships in this multifaceted way.
