Last week I recorded a podcast called: Healing Within A Relationship Vs. Healing Alone After A Break-Up (you can listen to it here). And the reason I wanted to speak of this is because it’s a question that so many of us have!
If you’re anything like “past me”, you’re used to being a serial dater. You have a hard time being alone and you seek the security of having someone by your side. Because having someone by your side (even if he/she isn’t all that great), is enough to reassure you that there’s at least one person in this BIG bad world thinking of you. Can you relate?
I remember one time specifically in my early twenties, I was with a friend in the back of a taxi in Brazil and I thought to myself “Wow, is this what freedom feels like?” It was the first time I had traveled to another place without being in a relationship. I take that back, I was “kinda” dating someone during this time, but it wasn’t serious enough to feel as though I had someone waiting for me back home. Needless to say, during this taxi ride I was experiencing the many emotions that come with loneliness–Here I was, in a different country, at the mercy of this taxi driver, wandering the streets of Rio de Janeiro, no parentals, just me and a friend. This sense of freedom felt exhilarating but also TERRIFYING. The thought of not having anyone thinking of me or wishing me well was saddening. I later learned that these feelings of terror and sadness when it came to being alone, were actually portals to my healing. It was the perfect opportunity to connect back to myself and end my restless search of security through relationships.
Given this story (and countless of other similar stories I’ve heard), relationships can be a crutch to our healing. What I mean by this is that they can serve as distractions to the uncomfortable feelings we need to address within us. In my case, those feelings were fear of loneliness and the emotions that came with needing validation, security, and wanting to be needed by someone.
What are (or were) your reasons for needing monogamy? These are powerful questions to ask ourselves if we want to experience more inner and outer freedom.
So coming back to the topic of whether it’s better to heal alone vs. heal within a relationship after a break-up, I truly believe that taking sometime for yourself is ESSENTIAL. The reason for this is because the alone time gives us the opportunity to reflect and face the uncomfortable emotions that arise. These emotions lead to blocks within our mind, body & spirit that need to be dissolved. If you don’t feel comfortable being alone, then there’s obviously something in you that needs your attention. Some wound that needs the love only you can give. Feelings are not to fear or run away from, they’re just energy. Feel the energy and you can happily move on with your life with more ease and tranquility.
It was 2 years after my last break-up that I felt ready to commit again. Thankfully, the Universe brought a wonderful person into my life–Someone I had been manifesting for months! But my healing wasn’t over. The only difference is that I had spent enough time with myself and my shadows that I was able to see this new person in my life for what he was and not what I needed him to be. I could get to know this person for the unique individual he was because I now saw myself as the unique individual I am. And with this mutual understanding of independency, I could continue to focus on my personal growth without needing him to save me. My cup was full and he supplemented the happiness I was already experiencing.
You see, when we don’t “need someone”, we have more discernment in who we choose to have by our side. At this phase, we would much rather be alone then have someone who is going to cause us stress or pain. Because in reality, that stress and pain sucks our energy and our capacity to heal, grow and evolve.
So in short, take the time necessary to focus on you and the discomforts that arise when you’re alone. Remember, your feelings are the guides! And just know that once you’re ready to commit to another person again, you can still continue healing as long as you choose someone who gives you the space to do so.
