Do you often feel jealous when your partner looks or talks to someone you personally find attractive or “better” than you in some way, shape or form? You get upset, feel rejected, unloved and fearful. You begin to act different. Your partner notices and brings up the situation, but you’re too ashamed to talk about it, because deep down you know it’s foolish and you don’t want to fight, but fighting is what ultimately ends up happening anyway…
If this is you, I FEEL YOU.
I was this person, for MANY years, and I absolutely hated this aspect about myself because it would cause so much unnecessary agony in my relationships. I didn’t understand why I would always feel threatened when my boyfriend would look or talk to an attractive female. I would feel this pit in my stomach, followed by an intense rage (recovering Fearful Avoidant here ✋), which would then lead to painful arguments because: A) I didn’t understand why I was so jealous and B) I didn’t know how to rationally communicate what I was experiencing…I just thought I was “crazy”, and so did they.
It wasn’t until I began my healing journey of transitioning from an insecure to secure attachment style that the jealousy began to dissolve. Because when we understand where this emotion stems from, we can begin to separate ourselves from it. It no longer has to be a part of our identity.
So here it is—the root cause to the jealousy…
It’s not the cool or attractive person your partner is looking at, talking to or friends with that you’re threatened by…The actual threat are your core beliefs running the show behind the scenes.
Our beliefs are thoughts we’ve had (and believed) over and over again. These repetitive thoughts get hardwired into our subconscious mind thus forming our belief systems. And our belief systems become the lens through which we base all of our perceptions and decisions.
So how do attachment styles play into this? Because our attachment styles are formed through either secure or insecure beliefs on love that we’ve adopted in early childhood and throughout our lives. And these belief systems dictate the way we experience love.
Just think about why some people are totally calm and collected when their partner looks or interacts with someone attractive, while others feel threatened by it…
If you have a Secure Attachment Style, your beliefs are more centered around trust, respect and personal freedom. Therefore, you naturally find these types of interactions harmless. There’s no threat. You remain confident and secure during these experiences.
On the other hand, if you have an insecure attachment style (such as the Anxious, Fearful Avoidant or Dismissive Avoidant Attachment Style), then your beliefs are more centered around fear.
Anxious Attachment: Because one of your major core beliefs is fear of abandonment, you become hypervigilant, fearful and controlling when you sense any threat to your relationship.
Fearful Avoidant (aka Anxious-Avoidant): Because one of your major core beliefs is distrust and betrayal, you become angry, self protective, cold and also hypervigilant when you sense any threat to your relationship.
Dismissive Avoidant: Because one of your major core beliefs is fear of emotional vulnerability, you become distant, passive, indifferent and emotionally disconnected when you sense any threat to your relationship.
What do all of these reactions have in common?
They all stem from our beliefs on love…And the severity of pain (or jealousy) you experience is highly determined by your specific attachment style and the beliefs attached to it.
So don’t worry about monitoring your partners every move in order to make sure your relationship stays afloat, instead put your precious energy into healing and transforming your belief systems so that you can begin experiencing the peace you deserve.